since taking full, conscious responsibility for my own physical state last week - I've taken a hard look at my motivations from the past, and seen where the holes were - fear of failure, fear of commitment, fear of disappointing others

fear of failure: start stop start stop give up start give up stop

it turns out there's no such thing as faiure - there's just a point when you make the decision that something else is more important than what you've set out to do - the hard part is realizing that you've let something trivial and easy hold more weight that what really matters to you down deep - it's not that pleasant a realization

fear of commitment: commit attempt (enter fear of failure) falter once slide into self-defeating sense of impending failure then failure

it's so easy to commit to some things, and not to others - maybe it's because it's easy to look inwards at some things and other things raise hard questions that make you feel out of control - the hardest thing to do is to wrestle with something that hurts to touch

fear of disappointing others: don't want to be seen as one kind of person would much rather be seen as another don't want people to think I can't commit don't want to be perceived as anything but good

oh screw that - this isn't about anyone but me, good or bad

Governor Schwarzenegger is conducting a phone poll that includes same-sex marriage.

Predictably, right-wingers are flooding the office with calls. Since we are trying to pass a slew of marriage and domestic partner bills here in California, it's a good time to show support on the issue.

Takes less than a minute.

Call (916) 445-2841

On the phone tree, press in order:

Press #5 for "Hot Issues."
Press #1 for Same Sex Marriage.
Press #1 to support gay marriage in California.

it's been said by *some* cute, wascally monkeys that I do not post often enough, so here goes....

...uh...

...yeah...

no really - it's been a great 2 days since I've been back on plan and I feel good about myself. I'm hoping that I'm on an upward spiral since I've figured out what my main hurdles are, and have voiced them to certain monkeys, which has made them real somehow

it's an interesting concept - making tangible by speaking of them the things that seemed unreal before - makes you wonder about what you can really create in your own universe, doesn't it?

I've also, apparently, gotten to the point where 2 glasses of wine knock me on my ass

*swoon*
*giggle*

my love to you, monkey
and *no* I don't go always go hippy dippy just after a snort or two, ask Duane ;)

let's just say a little birdie told me it's all about moving forward

it's been said this is my annual new moon, a cosmic birthday present with which I can do anything I choose, that I'm ready to announce my priorities and move forward with confidence, knowing the universe is behind me, that this is the time of the month to make my biggest intiations and announcements...

I'm big
in body, mind and soul

I'm happy
in mind and soul

I'm prepared to make 3 for 3 in the happiness department

when I was young, somwhere, somehow, I began to believe that physically I was less than perfect, that I was not up to par, that I was inadequate, or a disappointment - I think I took that belief to heart, and the problem here is that what you believe is what the universe creates for you

this power of self-creation is monumental, and has roots in my spirituality that lead me to believe I have more control than I could possibly imagine regarding the state of my body, my mind, my soul - my universe

I have never believed I could make myself happy in my own body, and to rights, I never have - until a little birdie came and spoke to me...

like I said, it's time to make 3 for 3 in the happiness department

I know so, because now, finally, I think I believe it

watch my smoke

it's been a long time coming, but I finally sat and listened
just listened
I recommend it to anyone

don't think, just let your subconscious ask a questions and see what happens
I won't suggest what may happen because I don't want to color your experience, but here's what happened to me when I did it

at first, nothing...

I asked a hard question silently
then I got a little teary eyed
I felt a sort of positivity, with a huge question mark over it
was I going to keep that positivity?

then a familiar sound came about - a steady *thrum* and over the bannister of my deck swooped a hummingbird - straight to the feeder my mother gave me for my birthday

instantly distracted from my reverie, it was beautiful, breathtaking
green, goldish sort of
it tasted at the feeder several times, then several more

I remember thinking - finally! one has found my feeder
the next thought was - he/she's probably been feeding here off and on today
where'd that come from?

then quick as a blink, it swooped to within one foot (I kid you not) of my face and regarded me - just appeared to....comtemplate...

making jittery side to side motions - 5 steps this way, then 5 steps that way
I could feel the downdraft all over my arms and legs (I told you it was close)

for those in the know - it was reminiscent of the "moon dance"

it lasted for what seemed like 15-20 seconds, all told

then it moved back about a foot, turned away as if to leave, then turned to look at me again, then swooped away as fast as he/she'd come

now - thinking of what I'd been out there to do...

when you ask a troubling question, and you feel like you've wanted the answer all of your life, and all you want is to feel some positivity about it all...

...does the indescribable joy of that kind of visit constitute an answer?

you bet your ass it does ;)

--wake up with Duane, be supportive of him (his job-happiness is sketchy right now), kiss him good-bye, get back in bed and read more of Carl Sagan's Contact with coffee

--futz around house in preparation for company on Saturday (and besides, the house energy needs to be stirred up a bit, it's feeling a little too stagnant)

--get in the car and scout hiking trail off Skyline, then do a U-turn and head to HMB Nursery for goodies and supplies

--repot several plants in the house, including the Origanum Barbara Tingey that arrived yesterday.

--set up DSL router (that's right, we're getting DSL installed next Tuesday)

--stand with hands on hips and stare at the deck garden - an altar is in the making, I just need to find out where it will appear

--clean deck fountain that's scummy due to pretty but rat-fart pine tree over NW end of deck

--sit in apartment complex sauna and sweat and think about whether I'm going to be serious about getting my body back into shape, changing my life/food habits to accommodate that goal, or just decide to stop worrying about it once and for all (something I've been obsessing over since I was 16 frickin years old)

--continue teaching Kelly to say "hello" like a saucy Austin Powers (she's listening very carefully, I expect breakthroughs beyond her initial "rrrrrr's" and "ruh-ruh's"

--laugh maniacally at myself for attempting this

--decide what to wear to dinner (Duane and I are going to Café Niebaum-Copolla in Palo Alto at 9pm - if he's home earlier, we'll be at the wine bar beforehand)

--come home and watch an episode or two of Buffy, 5th season

--sleep...

Back in February 2004 I ordered some plants online due to be shipped in early Spring: ornamental oregano called Origanum Barbara Tingey. I never saw them, never heard from Goowin Creek Nurseries, decided not to follow up on it as my oringal idea had been to give one each to friends. I put them out of my mind, forgot about them. The week before my birthday, I started planning to spend the actual day working in my garden repotting, reorganizing, building an outdoor altar. I came home midweek to find the plants had been shipped and were on my doorstep waiting for me. What strikes me...they show up just 2 days before I want to celebrate my birthday by working in my garden?...I love the Universe and how it works ;) There really are no coincidences...

This Friday is my birthday. As the week unfolds, day by day, I'm noticing strange changes on the back burners in my head. Does that happen to you? In my head there's an industrial-super-sized stove with many, many back burners. There are the typical dishes on them, and some odd ones that seem more experimental. Some are simmering, some cooling, some are even overcooked and producing a funny smoke I thank the heavens I can't smell.

Some are much older than the rest. They're in big, insulated pots, and never get moved and the heat is never turned up or down. These pots, ergo ideas, jumped to the front of the stove when I wasn't looking. I turned around during a quiet moment the other day and jumped a foot to see a couple of them practically leaning towards me, their lids rattling as little poofs of steam burbled out. I was surprised, you see, because they've been contentedly sitting in the back there, all tucked away behind the newer pots, on a very low simmer.

I'm being vague here with my metaphors because to be quite honest, I'm not sure what's in some of these pots anymore. They really want me to know what's cooking over their low heat, but for some reason, I'm hesitant.

But one of them, I'm quite sure of its contents. I've added ingredients to it off and on for most of my life, and the resulting mixture has yet blossomed into the dish I've been craving....perhaps I finally have the right ingredients in store for it...hmm