I find myself at the end of this year yet not rushing to get a multitude of things done, as I expected I would. I have only a handful of things I want to do, and then I can peacefully let 2004 go...
finish my uberlist for 2005
finish preparing 2005 finances
finish updating my point(y) calculator and have it ready for bear
Then it's off to Il Fornaio with Duane and Mom, and then to the Kinsey Sicks at the New Conservatory Theater in San Francisco. Happy New Years!
We've been plotting for a while what to do with our vacation time and my bonus money - and have done absolutely nothing on that list. We've spent a great deal of it though. wtf, right?
ch-ching: and halgoen spot lights installed in the kitchen 
ch-ching: and a new birch bookcase up in the bedroom (damn that Ikea) 
ch-ching: and a new kitchen workstation appears 
And what an amazing day today - rainy morning, beautiful bright clear weather, then moody rain again. The weather is schizophrenic, I love it.
The people lost due to the Indian Ocean tsunamis should be revered, loved, and remembered. As a human living in this world, I feel a deep ache in my heart. But as a spiritual entity I'm enthralled by the vast numbers of eternal spirits that have gone home, and am gratified that there are that many more infinite, unlimited souls to help the survivors who are mourning their loss.
Light a candle when you can. Candle light is the only form of human-made light spiritual beings can see.
My least favorite aspect of new years is listening to people make `n break resolutions. That and the drunken hordes suffering from mass Stupid.
I've never understood, outside of the numbers included in the date, what makes "next year" different from "this year". Why does a new calendar year give people the sense that it's the best time to start fresh with something? To finally make positive changes in their every day world? What's wrong with today? Yesterday? What's my point? Fuck. You tell me.
I guess what I'm feeling is a general frustration that my mental to-do list is so long, and the reasons seem small and stupid in hindsight. Excuses, procrastinations, fears, and other such dither. Now that we're at that penultimate time of "new birth" and "fresh starts", I'm annoyed because I feel like I should make resolutions, but I hate that. My life, a practice in hypocracy.
I guess instead of making a list of things I will torture myself with, then ultimately fail to accomplish, I'll just make one statement that covers it all in one fell swoop: "If it really matters to you, do it. If it doesn't, forget it now and forever don't worry about it."
Bad grammar notwithstanding in that statement, it's mine, and it covers my issues. For I am the Grand Waffler. I have high aspirations, lofty goals, but little drive. Why? Because I get confused determining the difference between what I want and what I need. It all gets put on that list, and generally the Wants get taken care of before the Needs. And in the end, I torture myself thinking that I've failed in taking care of myself. I feel devalued, and a cycle of self-deprecation ensues.
So how to I weed down my mental to-do list? Actually feel like I'm getting something done, taking care of myself? My theory: Think it through before putting it on there. "Why does it matter? What's to be gained by accomplishing it? What happens if I don't?" If it's a Need, and I accomplish it, I feel better about myself, my mood score rises. If it's a Want, I feel a quick high, and all the Needs on my list get one notch older, and in the long run, I feel like I'm not taking care of myself. Enter viscious cycle.
I'm writing an uberlist for 2005 - it will contain my Needs. I will put a few Wants on there because you can't live without them, but you can accidentally inundate yourself with them, so they'll be sparse. And criminy, I may actually find that some Wants and Needs are the same thing...
It's not exactly a resolutions list, and it's a work in progress, but getting it out of my head and in print will make me think about each item's importance. If you should be watching the list in future, don't be surprised to see things come and go. Life is, after all, all about change.
I've shuttled Mom off to the airport for her "guilt-assuaging" trip to Texas to see her own mother. The sun came up after I got home. I slept terribly, jerking awake every 45 minutes convinced I'd overslept and wouldn't get her there on time. Is guilt and worry genetic?
It's still early, the storm is reducing some. I'm remembering only a few maniacs on the road, but wonder if the person driving the car 70 mph up 92, while it's on fire, is ok. Thick rain, fog, then blinding smoke on the freeway for about 1/2 a mile behind him. I slowly trailed along, squinting like Mr. Magoo, convinced his utter auto-maintenance failures would result in *my* viking-style death in a burning twisted metal heap. Ah, the glory of the early morn.
A quiet Solstice Tree Eve.
A toast cuddled under a feather comforter on the couch.
Early to Bed.
A pre-dawn drive to Sacratomato.
Hopping children, tired adults to greet us.
Present shredding, blissful coffee cake, pistachio brittle.
Loot!
Cloverleaf rolls made from scratch, dough up to your elbows.
Mapled Ham, mashed sweet potatoes, au gratin potatoes, chilé green beans, black-eyed peas, fresh from the oven rolls as big as your head, goat cheese cheesecake, South African sauvignon blanc dubbed "Giraffe Pee" - but no, it was really good, just a fun label.
Full, warm happiness. So much fun. Blessed be.
the black parrot tulips brought to me from Amsterdam are in the ground!
thank you meriko
I was very happy pulling on my new Fruit Fucker 2000 T-shirt Saturday morning. Enjoyed wearing it all over SF that day, showing it to the Borogoves that afternoon. But upon returning home, Kelly had one look at it and did the "poof-snarl-lunge" routine. Those who've seen it know what this means. For those that don't, ask me. I'm not sure I can describe it in print. It is a hearty objection from the avian world. A defense strategy of making yourself look as large and intimidating as possible, yet reeking of simultaneous fear. It was absolutely terrifying the first time I saw it over a decade ago, but now it's something to be enjoyed (and fostered when I'm feeling particularly evil.)
An early rise on Saturday to play the duckling behind a whirling dervish meriko as she scanned the SF Ferry Building's farmer's market for ingredients and supplies for her tree trimming party. Back to the borogove abode to help prep for the evening do. We, the 3 great white hunters, frolicked in the Xmas trees to pick meriko's favorite. Ah, meriko's sugar burn. She'd been up at 5 baking cookies and drinking coffee, so the tree lot was her playground. (She's a biter, folks. FYI.) Then back to the abode to hoist, get sappy, and decorate. Then home to get some chores done. The evening was a hoot. Thank you, borgoves two!
I spent the bulk of Sunday in my kitchen, banging my head on the rafters, the counter, and the heel of my hand as I changed my mind numerous times about where to keep things. Hey, it was exercise. Up Down Up Down Up Down.
I've reorganized my kitchen after discovering the secret hideyholes. We have one of those hideous ceiling-wide fluorescent light fixtures that render our kitchen a surgey center when powered up. Above which is about 1.5 feet of space where the fluorescent lights are hidden, but the space extends over the cabinets - voila! Shelves about 1 ft deep and 8 feet long on either side of the kitchen. There are twelve 2 sq ft translucent plastic tiles hiding it this hidden nirvana of space. Sliding them to the center, the (evil) fluorescent bulbs were exposed, removed, and hidden. The tops of the cabinets were cleaned and lined, and now I have a pantry for the not-so-tall. My cabinets are looking more spacious now - and perform less like Fibber McGee's closet. More cabinet space means appliances can go away, which means more counter space. It's amazing how much little changes can help. My kitchen and I have made peace.
The new moon was Saturday. I'm up about 5 since my recent low - thank you holiday foods. I have no regrets. To quote my nephew "get in my belly!"
start weight: 246.6
goal weight: 220 or under by June 4, 2005
*chuckle* The Universe.
my buddy, my friend, my cybil-esque partner in all hijinks
What would YOU do if you were a) told your partner had the same week off you did for the holidays, b) told your annual bonus was being deposited in your checking account in 1 week, and c) you were given a free, round-trip ticket to anywhere in the continental US (but had to deal with some strong flight restrictions, and use it before Dec. 31st) ??
I'm waiting for feedback.... *hopping*
The jovial comraderie co-workers can have with one another from time to time is a marvelous thing. You can be left feeling right as rain afterwards. But sometimes things roll off the tongue of those with whom that effortless bridge of communication isn't so much a bridge, or even on the drawing board, but still a rashly conceived notion jotted on a cocktail napkin stained with bar bilge water or crusty chapstick leavings.
"Wiggle this, baby" *shudder*
What we have to look forward to:
"This year, four stars shine over Bethlehem. Witness the Kinsey Sicks deploy their award-winning a cappella singing, biting wit and over-the-top drag in the global effort to stamp out holiday cheer. Now in its second year at NCTC, the show will premiere new songs and other holiday mischief not included in last year's production. Make Oy Vey one of your familiar holiday traditions, like turkey stuffing, dreidl spinning and crippling depression! Not suitable for those under 18."
Lunch today was seared scallops with a light salad, all drizzled with a spiced grapefruit reduction, followed by a brilliant Asian Chicken Salad.....oh, and 2 glasses of wine. Now I'm at work and writing here, instead of working.
What's with the psycho dreams lately that wake me up at 5 or 6 in the morning, and inevitably cause me to lie in bed staring at the dark with a "wtf" look on my face? These dreams aren't scary, but they ensure I think about em a while. Dagnabbit.
Professional kitchens in tiny, narrow trains zooming through a slowly moving parade. Safeways where the doors disappear and credit cards keep getting re-charged. Jesus.
Bush 2004
Thanks for not paying attention
I've scanned through some of my blog entries, delved into other, hard-copy journals, and have found some interesting data.
Now I didn't come upon this discovery randomly. Curious about a statement made by an astrologer I've come to read religiously, I went "searching for patterns" in my physical data journals. (Read weight loss journals, weight-training journals, and the like, which I have going back several years.) There are month-to-month trends in my progress which match the astrologer's pronouncements. Our bodies are affected by the lunar cycles. (Women everywhere may now roll their eyes and mutter appropriately.) I've always known that I have a "male-PMS" cycle that covers a 2-3 month period where pyschological, sexual, and other physcial trends are easily identifiable. I just never looked at how lunar cycles affected my body, or my attempts to alter my homeostatic state.
The astrolger, Susan Miller, pronounced that her body responded to the waxing and waning moon cycles with regards to muscle mass increases and weight loss. As the moon waxed from New Moon to Full, she found her body gained strength and muscle mass easily without losing or gaining much physical weight. The cycle between Full Moon and New Moon, where the moon wanes, she found that her body dropped pounds more readily, but her strength training didn't progress much. Seeing these trends after many months of eating and exercising sensibly, during which she lost a great deal of weight, she tried to focus on exercise more during the waxing cycles, and more on portion-reducing or strict adherance to portion maximums during the waning cycles. She never stopped eating sensibly, or stopped exercising, but rather focused on stronger, harder workouts during one period, and being very strict with her caloric intake during another.
For those of you not in the know, Susan Miller and I have a good writer/reader relationship which started back in 2001 when a friend referred her to me. Susan's website (referenced earlier) focuses on detailed monthly forecasts citing specific dates within a month, rather than daily "short blurb" forecasts. I not only find these detailed forecasts more informational, but they were alarmingly accurate. She called every major event, with gross detail, for the first 2 years I read her, a period in my life fraught with life-changing events both stressful and blissful. (A stressful one = She warned of impending unemployment; I was unemployed for 11 months after 9/11. Or a series of helpful hints during that period = "don't take a job you don't see yourself enjoying...as one you've wanted for a long time is coming up fast" = Apple. A blissful one = Duane) I've come to trust her. These were huge changes in my world.
I'm going to try focusing on the lunar cycles with regards to hammering at my homeostatic state. Like I've said, I've found that my body responds to the monthly luncar cycles, evinced by the data in my journals. With propoer, informed focus I can make use of these trends and see greater success in the future than I did inadvertently fighting those cycles in the past. Stay tuned!