Kelly's 10-day stint of antibiotics has passed, and oddly enough, even after the tension and worry that came when I first heard they were necessary, I miss them. Kelly will, too. Dr. Sanders looked at me askance when I said Kelly adored the peanut-flavored Cipro. I think he may now think what most Vets who've seen Kelly come to think - she's nuts (for an Amazon.) The peanut flavoring makes Cipro nearly tolerable for most birds, but Kelly regressed and yearned for it when she was in burrito-form.

A benefit to the experience for she and I is that Kelly is no longer even remotely concerned about being toweled any longer, by me. A bird-behaviorist whom I'm reading these days says it's a healthy practice to continue to perpetuate a healthy bond, and to keep Kelly prepared should quick/emergency toweling be necessary. And she's just so damned cute when wrapped up. She lets me rub her belly and her head, and she's limp for a little while (under 30 seconds). I'm going to see if I can increase that time; see if she'll accept it as a playing scenario.

I should hear from the vet sometime today, or through Wednesday, about her blood test results. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to react.

Love and light...

Fresh in from the vet. Kelly has dropped 18 grams in weight (down from 478 to 460). This is good progress, according to Dr. Sanders, and only after 2 weeks. Her goal weight? 430 grams. I dare you to convert that into ounces and be amazed at the evolution of hollow bones....

Tonight a blood sample was taken to check for Pacheco's Virus. Pacheco's is a herpes-type virus that birds can carry, or succumb to very quickly. I'm still fuzzy on why it's either one way or the other, but it's been years since my virology lessons. I'll have the results come early next week, and I'm taming my emotions until then. Life is about today.

If it turns out Kelly has Pacheco's, in essence, it will be like having a bird with HIV. She appears healthy, acts healthy, and is healthy, but she's still got a virus that can slowly pick away at her if her immune system is compromised by another factor. Pacheco's can then flare up, much like an opportunistic infection, causing more serious issues. If she develops any other type of health issue in the future, we will have to pay closer attention to it, take it a little more seriously, get it dealt with quickly, decisively, and with great care. It's also excellent information to be armed with, her negative or positive status (as it were). Pacheco's is deadly to other birds. They could succumb within days.

If positive, Kelly will be forced to live out her days in avian isolation. This isn't too far off the mark of her daily lifestyle, but you can still empathize, I'm sure, with the idea that the option of socializing Kelly in the future is forever gone. The more heart wrenching issue is that her life-expectency is about halved. Living in ignorance these last 15 years, I believed Kelly's expected life span would be around 30 years. I learned at the vet 2 weeks ago that without Pachecho's virus as a factor, it could easily be 60-80. Now, we're back down to 30, and if her health remains pristine.

It's difficult to think about it now, much less desribe it. Tonight I told the Vet I didn't want to ask any serious questions about Pacheco's until it was 100% confirmed my baby was carrying it. But then, being the data whore I can be, I asked them anyway, and you've read what he told me already.

If you have a candle, or a moment to project your energy, please join me and mine. It would be so lovely to grow old with a little bundle of unpredictable green feathers on my shoulder.

oh shit....I shouldn't have written that...

I've been weight training this month, and came off of counting points via weight watchers. The result? I'm up 2 pounds this month, but my body feels great. Not only have I increase my exercise, but Duane and I have been eating very heathfully. Every time in the past I've started back into weight training, there's a period where I put on a pound or two or even three, most likely due to water retention in the muscles. I've not been counting points, and I've noticed I'm eating more than I did while counting, but the foods have been healthier.

Summation: the extra pounds could be from weight training, or that I'm eating a little too much. Either way, I can still modify the workouts to incorporate more cardio, and reduce the quantities I eat. Let's see what happens by the New Moon in roughly 2 weeks, and more importantly, what happens at the next Full.

Kelly sat on the floor and watched me put the towel over her. Didn't even take a step, or turn her head to watch me. She sat there until I picked her up. I didn't even have to lightly grip her. She just muttered at me until I uncovered her beak, didn't gnaw on the towel. She reached for the syringe and looked like a baby chick. awwww

She's not taking to her "glop" as quickly as I'd like, but I'm a patient, patient, patient man. I need to fiddle with the recipe. Perhaps she'll like it drier? She reaches for the dry pasta bits when she sees them, but ignores the toast — which is freakin my shit out — but it's moist with nf yogurt and carrot baby food. Like I said, drier maybe?

Backstory, Feb 11th:
—1st appointment with Dr. Sanders at Wildwood Veterinary
—Appt made after Kellyh's willfulness, moodiness, and biting gets to be too much. Her wings are grown out, and her beak and nails need a trim.
—Kelly climbs into her carrier box very happily at 3:30.
—For the first time in her life, Kelly will not come out of her carrier after a car ride. (Normal behavior is to climb out willinglingly) and bites me twice in quick succession when I finally get her out.
—Much of my avian knowledge has grown out of date, and now school's in session. She is now bathed thoroughly every day, and I'm starting the long process of altering her diet for a healthier one; she's 10% overweight. No more nuts as a dailiy thing, no more corn, peas, apples. 90% of her diet should be her pellets, and the remaining 10% should consist of high Vitamin A content foods like sweet potato, squash, carrots, green leafy vegetables, peaches, dried apricots. Other good things: whole wheat (no sugar) breads, almonds and pistachios in limited quantities (these are high vitamin A, too). Also have to increase her exercise level, promoting wing-flapping, climbing, etc.

Backstory, Feb 16th: Blood test results come in
—Kelly's WBC and Lymphocyte count are slightly high as a result of contracting 3 strains of bacteria normal in humans, not to birds, all treatable with antibiotics. Exhibited by a redness in her throat.
—Kelly has an appointment 2/23 for another blood test to test for Pacheco's virus.

Backstory, Feb 2/17: Antibiotics
—Not since Kelly was 1 or 2 has she had an infection that requires antibotics, and I'm concerned how she'll take the 2x/day toweling required to administer them. I pick up the antibiotics (Cipro) from the vet 2/17 evening after work, and buy Sally Blanchard's Companion Parrot Handbook and The Beak Book, to get a handle on dealing with Kelly's new biting behavior. I've grown apprehensive picking her up over the last few weeks.
—On the way home, I buy two brand new, pale yellow towels to be Kelly's alone.
—After a quick scan of both books, I learn that toweling a bird should be a very common practice, not only to increase the bond between Kel and I, but to make her less apprehensive of the toweling in the future if it becomes necessary in an emergency.
—I put one towel on the floor, and one nearby, prepare Kelly's syringe of antibiotics, and have an almond treat nearby. She runs from the towel as I raise it, but when I drape it over her, she freezes and listens to me talking to her. I flip her on her back and build a "parrot burrito", expose her beak, and start dripping the peanut-flavored antibiotic into her mouth. She's not happy.
—She nips once this evening. I yell and drop her, but quickly pick her up using soothing tones and not giving her what she wans: me to leave her alone.

Backstory, Feb 18th:
—Kelly has taken to toweling quickly. She's actually anticipating and looking forward to the flavored antibioitics, and her almond treat. She's not struggling in the towel at all, and is stepping up on my hand easily and readily before and after.

Backstory, Feb19th:
—Spending the day away in Sacramento this Saturday for June's birthday. Kelly take her antibiotics very well this morning. And again that evening. She has a great day with Duane.

I'm going to start a bird diary here. Kelly and I are going through some major diet, behavioral, relationship changes — all geared towards the better good — but these changes will take patience, emotional calm 24/7, and profound consistency. It's something I need to track, so check back if you want to keep updated with the details. Please comment if anyone is an avian afficianado or plain old bird lover.

In a nutshell: I've been learning hard and fast in the last 2 weeks about psittacines, and myself, and have learned some basics to deal with the culmination of Kelly's long-developed negative behaviors. (They're my fault, 100%, and if you want to know why, let's talk!) It's complicated by some health issues she's devoped (read on for details), but in the long run, Kelly and I will be just like the old buddies we were. Time is a luxury she and I both have. She could easily outlive me after all ;)

In a nutshell:
—Kelly has a bacterial infection in her throat (aka sore throat caused by common human cold bacterias; neither D or I knew we were fighting one off!) and is now enjoying morning and evening antibiotic doses. Recipe: make a bird burrito with large soft towel and an unhappy parrot, take prepared syringe containing 0.1cc of Cipro, squirt miniscule amount of peanut-flavored goo into side of mouth, release bird, spritz with water, and provide almond as treat. Phew. Did she bite me this time? Does she hate me now? *rolls eyes*

Next week: Wednesday evening we go back for more blood tests. There's a possibility she's carrying, but not suffering from, Pacheco's Virus, a dangerous bird disease. I nearly cried on the phone when the Vet Tech was reading the doctor's notes to me over the phone. Kelly's never been exposed to other birds in her 15.5 years, so they tell me it must have come from the pet store from which I adopted her. Sharon Heights Pet Store in Menlo Park. The Vet and his tech's practically gasped when they heard she originated there. It seems within a year or two after I adopted Kelly Wildwood Hospital, the SPCA, and various other Vets in the area pooled their efforts and had the place shut down for various reasons ranging from neglectful husbandry, birds dying of diseases, etc. Sigh. It seems I saved Kelly from death when she was but 10 months old, and didn't even know I was doing it.... The Universe. It's cogs are mighty and mysterious.

Since I've stopped counting points, and have been focusing more on high nutrition foods in healthy portions, I find myself still cautious about my food selections. Good habits built from point-counting days go a long way it seems. Exercise is taking a higher billing on the marquee; I'm proud of it. Food is still a little spooky to me, but at least I'm getting back into considering it without my proverbial thumb in my mouth.

Kelly is going to a new vet today. I found myself in the shower going over the answers to some predictable questions. Who was her last vet? When did she last see a vet? I expect my answers to produce predictable nods, and perhaps raise eyebrows. "She last had a physical >3 years ago. When she was young, I took her to the vet every year and each one (I kept moving you see) said the same thing: `You really don't have to bring her in every year. It's not necessary. Birds will tell you when they're feeling poorly by their behavior.'" The sad thing is that I took that advice, but also knew that by the time a bird shows those kinds of signs, the problem has progressed dangerously. So. Here I am, after doing the research and discovering Dr. Chris Sanders in Portola Valley specializes in birda and reptiles and is all-hailed by the local avian community. He's also 15 minutes from home. Good thing. Will report later on eye/ear/nose/throat/cloaca/liver/blood tests.

"The world calls out for improvement and, more often than not, we are ready and willing to offer advice or admonishments. But each of us possesses the power to effect a positive shift in energy in ourselves and in those around us. Just as purification of the soul leads to purification of the world, change within leads to change without. Conflicts can be resolved without words. The key is changing yourself and freeing your mind. When someone or something bothers you, it helps to begin by asking yourself if you, too, possess that negative quality or if you're allowing yourself to be overly affected by it. You only have control over yourself, but your influence is farther reaching than you may realize. A positive change on your part often leads to positive change around you.

"This passive inspiration of change not only stems from your example to others. You may have changed your behavior or simply decided to adopt a change in perspective. But in doing so, you have set into motion a series of positive consequences that, bring balance. The more we grow in virtue and the more centered we become, the more we perceive virtue and centeredness and the more we project it outward. As we act in ways beneficial to ourselves and others, so do we inspire others into similar action. And, when we have achieved control over our minds and souls, we cannot be negatively affected by anything outside of ourselves. When we wish others to change, criticism and condemnation often fail. Recognizing that none of us are perfect and that we all need to change can be the best way of overcoming conflict.

"In Aikido it is said, "Change yourself first, before looking to change your opponent, and in the process, you might find that your opponent has changed himself." Actions, good thoughts, and positive energy speak louder than judgmental words and are the most powerful tools you can use when working toward a better world."

A weekend of dynamics. Ups and downs. Forehead slapping moments. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Quiet, contemplative peace. And immense, soul-warming joy.

Forgive the staccato entry style, I just want to get these points across, and can fill in the blanks if you wish to read on...

—I'm no longer going to count points via weight watchers. I'm a truly happier person now.
—Tidepooling at Pillar Point in the cool air and warm sun, watching the Maverick waves roll in. A nirvana only 15 minutes from home. Breathtaking.
—Kelly = Sybil

—Counting points has worked for me over the last near year. I lost some weight over all, and learned vast amounts about food quality and portioning. My problem has been that if I exercise, or drink, I find it incredibly difficult to stay within the point range dictated by the plan for my body weight. Exercise makes me crave more food, and the points allocated by the program to compensate for my level of exercise usually isn't enough for me. Alcohol makes me not care about counting points. So. I'm not giving up exercising the way I want to exercise, which is somewhat intensely, and I'm not giving up alcohol. A third reason is the psychological one. By counting points, I've learned to dread thinking about, or preparing, food. An honest evaluation of how it's affected me was illustrated numerous times last week when I found myself standing outside of, and staring into, my kitchen. My stomach growling, my Palm Pilot in hand, and a depressing mood hitting me like a lead weight. I was hungry, I suddenly didn't want to eat, and I was mad about it. I realized I no longer wanted to cook, and eating was a calculated chore. There was no joy.

I realize the plan could be adapted to work for me, but the truth of the matter is - I don't want to do it any more. The psychological impasse I've hit is huge for me. If I think about the point-value of the food I'm eating, I lose my appetite, and I get depressed. Which starts an old cycle of being hungry...

I ran an experiment from Thursday through Sunday last. I stopped counting points, but continued using what I've learned of portion sizes, and healthul eating. I made good choices, didn't overeat, drank moderately, exercised twice in four days, slept like a baby, and found joy looking at my kitchen as a place of fun and nourishment rather than a place to dread, or a source of guilt.

My hurdle getting into better physical condition in the past has been not combining regular exercise with healthful, portion-mindful eating. I've done one, and not the other, and the effects were ok, but not long-lived. I know my body well enough that it won't respond unless I do both, and keep doing both.

I'm going to eat well, and exercise often. If I drink, or eat, unhealthfully, I will compensate by eating well afterwards, reducing my alcohol, and increasing my exercise for a short time afterwards. It's all about finding, and maintaining, balance. That's what the Candle Flame said to me.

Saturday I went to the gym with my new iPod Shuffle. An experience much like liberation, freed from the ubiquitous hip hop top 40 crap at any gym. I worked out thoroughly, but not overmuch. I found myself happy to be there - remembering what it can be like to enjoy working out again. THEN! I found a new stationary bike system! Nothing like those new-fangled digital TV-monitored devices, but a simple upright bike system with toe clips, and adjustable difficulty levels (no displays, no buttons!) with a REAL bike seat shaped just like my own, and a front fork system that TILTS when you do. For all of the lack of wind, the outdoors, and forward progress in general, this was the closest I've yet come to enjoying a bike ride indoors. I can deal with it - happily! I was so energized after 30 minutes on that puppy, I actually got up and jogged for about 5. Then I remembered to take it easy. Hoo boy. Workout highs. Forgot about those.

—Pillar point. We had lunch on Sunday at Princeton Seafood Company on Princeton Pier #9 in Half Moon Bay. We stood outside in the sun waiting for their doors to open, watching the locals, feasting on the beautiful day. Soon, Duane rolled in his fish n chips like a happy puppy, and I thoroughly enjoyed garlic prawns over pasta. I was like an amoeba moulding itself around it's prey, absorbing. We then wandered further into the depths of the neighborhoods north of the pier and found ourselves at the parking lot of the Pillar Point Estuary. We parked and climbed a steep grassy hill to find a breathtaking view of Ocean. Surf. Rocks. The ground was littered with just-blooming ice plant and wild strawberry. The wind was cool, the sun was warm. We could see where the world-famous Maverick surfing championships take place, and thought carefully near the homemade altars built for those who'd died pitting themselves against those elements. It felt so good to be outside, in nature, in the sun, near the ocean. I felt like I was alive in that warm/cold environment. Very conscious of how close I was to home, and suddenly very happy with all that I have in life.

—My parrot is Sybil. Kelly has reached unforeseen levels of cockiness. She's taken to simply biting what she pleases and actually, I'm serious here, laughing at me when I yell at her. Examples: chewing on clothing, and me. My right hand is a history of beak encounters over the last 3 weeks. Duane won't go near her now. Probably a safe idea for the short-term. This is not uncommon for her during her late Winter/early Spring PMSing, but the penultimate examples....? She bites you, while she's sitting on your hand, and when you yell and drop her and go for a towel or bandage to stop the bleeding, she sits wherever she's landed and sings, calls, makes all of her happy noises. For those of you who've seen me angry, you can imagine the look on my face, and the heat of my blood while she does this. Bite me? Bleed me? And ENJOY it? Caged for a few hours, her tune changes, but she's still unpredictable. Two days pass, she's meek and cute and very passive. She's quiet and mutters and her eyes are calm, her feathers are fluffed and she's showing every physical cue of being "happy mellow bird". I fall for it - hard. She's now on my shoulder while I'm sitting on the couch. No loud noises, no sudden movements. Nothing out of the ordinary. For an hour. Then my peaceful reverie is cut short with a sudden laceration of the ear. I'm suddenly at my feet, what was on my lap on the floor, the bird is airborn, flying towards her cage, she's laughing and making her loud happy noises, and I'm feeling blood trickle down my earlobe. Vesuvius. It was quiet at first, a low rumbling if you will. I doctored myself, checked my clothes for blood stains - none. It wasn't a deep bite, but it bled well at first. I came out of the bathroom and she sat atop her cage clucking at me and doing her moon dance across her cage. Pyroclastic flow. It was all I could do to NOT throttle her. She found herself in her cage very quickly, her feathers very ruffled, looking like she'd seen the very Devil tearing through my skull to reach his bloody, poisonous talons at her soul from where my eyes had just been. She was been very very docile the last 2 days. She watches me carefully, responds quickly when I request something of her, and quiets down hard and fast when I tell her to. This is not the kind of relationship I want with her, and I was distraught. I posted to a bird group online for help, and the responses that came back were numerous, informative, and immensely helpful. Two were from local breeders of amazons who said "clip her wings". They'd had amazons their whole lives and were guilty themselves of letting their birds' wings grow out. Mix that with Spring hormones and you get Cocky Bitch Bird From Hell. My forhead-slapping moment of the month. No shit, Sherlock. Clip the bird's wings. It reportedly worked like magic for the professionals, and of course, always worked for Kelly and I in the past. Sigh...Wish I could remember these things before I needed bandaging. So, this Friday, Kelly's getting probed, prodded, groomed, and grounded by her new Vet. Enough said. Pass the antibiotics and the cattle prod. Yee haw.

PS: please don't tell me to *not* put the bird on my shoulder? it's been said, and said to me again - and it's not going to change - a Familiar you never bond with is not a proper Familiar

this post is the result of recent "ah hah" experiences in my life which lead me back to some of the old paths I was following, looking for answers to questions, answers only my higher self can answer.

I've been without an altar for a very long time - mostly due to space restrictions, and self-imposed limitations. I need to reconnect. I need to feel I can do so without material acquisitions. It's an altar, not a study of what I can afford.

Book and Candle. Earth Air Fire and Water. Love and Light. And a question. All the ingredients you need to go inward.